HERE’S A HANDY REFERENCE THAT EXAMINES THE COMMON FEELINGS OR STAGES THAT A PERSON MAY GO THROUGH WHEN COMING OUT AS LESBIAN, GAY OR BISEXUAL.

THIS REFERENCE IS ONLY A GUIDE; THROUGHOUT IT ARE TIPS AND STORIES FROM OTHER YOUNG PEOPLE WHO HAVE GONE THROUGH THIS JOURNEY THEY MAY BE OF SOME HELP TO YOU.  EVERYONE’S COMING OUT WILL BE DIFFERENT AND YOU SHOULD ONLY DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU.

At the beginning of every person's coming out process is a period where that person begins to question his or hers heterosexual identity. This typically happens when a person realizes that he/she is attracted to members of the same sex. They begin to ask themselves the question, "Am I really straight?" It takes some people years to answer that question, while others take less time.

"I  was  6  or  7  when  I  realised  that  I  liked  girls  and  not  boys,  but  it  wasn’t  until  I  was  15  I  started  to  question  my sexuality."

Louise 18.

"I began to question my sexual identity at the age of 8 or 9. Although I understood that I was different, it wasn't until I was 14/15 that I was confident enough to act on my feelings."

Jakob 18.

Most people are shocked and scared to think that they may not be straight and, therefore, many people deny that they might be lesbian, gay or bisexual. Some people never change in this feeling this and live their lives as heterosexuals.

"I used to keep a diary when I was younger, and I remember tossing up whether I was straight, gay or somewhere in between... I think I must have labelled myself 1000 times each way before I accepted my homosexuality."

Adam 23.

Most people keep their identity question to themselves during this stage, while some confide in close friends or other people who are out as lesbian or gay. Many look for other resources that might help them determine if they are actually homosexual or bisexual.  Eventually, most people will move from this stage of identity questioning to a state of internal identity acceptance.

"For me it wasn't hard identifying the fact that I liked girls. I never doubted that. I questioned whether I liked boys. For a long time it was just easier to identify as bi-sexual even though I was unsure. I felt a lot of pressure to decide if I was gay or bi. Like it seemed like I had a time limit (must figure it out in the next 6 months). So I rushed things with the boys I met to try and work it out. At one point I was even thinking 'I don't want to be gay, bisexuals are much more accepted'."

Keren  19.

At some point, anyone moving on from identity questioning will accept the fact that they are lesbian, gay or bisexual. A person in this stage stops asking the question "Am I gay?" and instead accepts the fact that they are gay. This does not mean that a person is happy or proud of being gay, only that they realize it. Pride will most likely come later. It is common to feel scared or nervous. Accepting your sexuality is a big step that will probably mean many changes in your life.

"I went from not knowing who I was to thinking 'OMG I’m gay!' then I started thinking, how to do I tell my parents, what will my friends think?? How will I have children?? Can I get married??...all these questions!"

Amy 22.

"I was petrified when I started to come out to my family and friends... The thought of losing the people closest to me was terrifying and it took a lot of courage to finally 'fess up".

Jakob 18.

This time is also where a person in the process of coming out will begin to educate themselves about what it means to be lesbian, gay or bisexual. Many people visiting this website are probably doing just that. There are many excellent resources on the internet and perhaps even in your local bookstore that can help you learn about lesbian, gay or bisexual life. It is important to educate yourself during this stage so that you know what to expect as you come out further.

"Once I realised I was a lesbian, I remember looking online and finding a local gay and lesbian bookstore. Walking in there for the first time, was like 'WOW' there are books about gay people, and they are just like me ,it was like finding a second family, just in a bookstore."

Lindy 24.

Supportive friends are very important to have while coming out. Typically people begin to first come out to a very select group of extremely close friends. It is important to think carefully about who would be best to come out to first. It would probably be a good idea to pick a close friend that you will feel sure will be supportive of you.

"I told my friends that I was gay while adding the proviso that if it made them uncomfortable, the frindship didn't have to continue. The reaction I got was completely the opposite. I have an extremely supportive group of friends and family that love me for who I am."

Jakob 18.

"I first came out to my older sister, she had told me that her best friend was bi-sexual and never had any problems with other people’s sexual orientation.  She was really happy for me and was with me when I told my parents. She supported me then and continues to support me now."

Kate 24.

If you do not feel comfortable coming out to any of your close friends at first, another good way to start out is by telling someone you know who is lesbian, gay or bisexual. Their advice and support can really be helpful further down the road. In either case, it is extremely important that you build an open relationship with a few individuals. As you begin to come out further, such as to your family, and begin to develop relationships, this group of supportive friends will be an invaluable asset to you.

Often people first come out during a verbal fight. If you find yourself in this situation, where you want to use your new sexuality as a weapon in an argument, try your hardest not to. Coming out during high stress situations is definitely not preferable to well-planned scenarios.

If you feel that you are currently in this stage, do not feel obligated to come out to everyone yet. Take your time and think before you tell.

"I didn’t feel like I could come out to other people until I had it right within myself, and that took a while..."

Ash 21.

Throughout your coming out process some people will take the news well and some will take it badly. During the first few stages of coming out harsh reactions to your news will hurt more than if you waited until later. Again, this reference offers just a set of general guidelines. It is important that you listen to your intuition and only do what feels comfortable to you. Play it safe, but be sure to find support somehow.

Once you begin to develop an open relationship with a group of supporting friends, you will feel relived. Many people comment that they feel happier than they have ever felt once they have the freedom to talk openly about their sexuality with someone. At the identity acceptance stage, a person says to them self "yes, I am gay." In this next stage, pride, a person says to them self "yes, I am gay, and I like it." It may seem like a small difference between these two stages, but really it is a big step.

"Realising that being gay Is OK, was like a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. I wanted to tell the world!!"

Lindy 24.

"Living truthfully and without regret feels like removing a blindfold. The world is full of so much colour now."

Jakob 18.

Depression, sadness, fear, etc. are common in the earlier stages; however, this is the stage where those feelings start to disappear. Being happy about who you are, sexuality included, is so important in order to lead a happy and fulfilled life. Developing a since of pride in yourself can be so powerful and beneficial to your mental health. Once you feel a since of pride, you will probably be empowered to continue your coming out process.

"It took a while before I felt a sense of pride about who I am and my sexuality, however once I started meeting other people who were gay or lesbian, and being more involved in the gay and lesbian community, my sense of pride grew.  Looking back from when I first came out to where I am today I can see how my confidence and sense of pride has grown... and keeps growing."

Kate 24.

Also during the Pride stage, you will most likely be less shy about your sexuality. You will start to notice more clearly how society is programmed to assume everyone is heterosexual. You will begin to feel more comfortable talking about your sexuality and will most likely come out to more of your friends. In this stage you will also begin to meet and become friends with other lesbians, gays and bisexuals. You may begin to explore gay and lesbian culture by visiting bars, clubs and other hangouts.

"Going out to my first gay club was like a rite of passage. It was scary but so exciting at the same time!! Walking thru those doors was like this feels so right!"

Ash 21.

At some point, you will want to begin dating and forming romantic relationships. Many people, when they come out of the closet, experience a type of sexual revolution. After living in the heterosexual closet for so many years sexual tension builds up strongly. Once you feel pride in your sexuality, you may suddenly feel like letting all of those tensions loose. It is not the purpose of this guide to tell you what to do with your love life, but rather to give some insight into what you might go through as you come out. However, it is important that you think clearly before acting on your sexual desires. Sexual responsibility is important in today's world, not just for lesbians, gays and bisexuals but for everyone. Again, play it safe and trust your judgment.

"I never believed that I wasn't entitled to a loving relationship, I just thought the odds of me finding one were stacked against me. I was wrong."

Jakob 18.

Whether or not you go through a sexual exploration phase, you will eventually find yourself in a more purposeful and meaningful relationship. Love between same sex partners is real and just like love between heterosexuals. Same sex couples have the desire for commitment and families, despite what you may have been taught. In today's society, however, you will run into many places where being in a same sex relationship is made difficult by a patriarchal and heterosexist society.

"My partner and I have been together for 5 years, we have had some hard times with people in our local community and even we were at school, but the acceptance and unconditional love from our friends and families far outweigh the troubles that come and go. We have been living together for 3 years and are starting to think about having children now.”

Amy 22.

Coming out to your family may be the hardest thing for you to do in your coming out process. Your parents almost certainly raised you assuming that you would be heterosexual. They probably have given some thought to you getting married and having children. When parents first learn of a child's homosexuality they often feel a loss. It generally takes some time for them to realize that they haven't lost anything and that things like marriage and children are all still possible.

If you have not yet come out to your parents, you probably feel distanced from them. A large part of your life does, or will, relate to you identifying as lesbian, gay or bisexual. You can miss having an open relationship with your family and get tired of keeping secrets from them. If you are in a serious romantic relationship, you probably feel even more distanced from your family. Holidays and family events are probably rough because you either cannot spend those events with your partner or your partner is forced to masquerade as your "roommate".

Plan carefully how you are going to come out to your parents and prepare yourself for any reaction they might have. All parents react differently to their child's sexuality. Some react harshly by cutting off communication and support between themselves and their children, while other parents are understanding and supportive. In most cases, parents need time to deal with the news. It may take them days, weeks or years to come to terms with your sexuality. During that time, some refuse to talk to their children, while others just want to ignore the sexuality issue hoping that it will go away. Before you come out to your parents, carefully consider any reaction they might have. If you are financially dependent on your parents, you may decide to leave it until you are independent or until you can support yourself for a while. In any case, remember that your first priority should always be protecting yourself.

"My mum was totally ok with it, but dad got really upset and we had a big fight.  Mum and dad talked a lot about it, and it took a few months for dad to understand and accept that I am gay, but he is ok with it now and we are closer than ever."

Adam 23.

Timing and they way in which you tell your parents and family are extremely important things to consider. It is a good idea not to come out when the family is gathered for a holiday or a death. Remember that you want your parents to respect you for who you are. Therefore, the way in which you come out should show them respect. E-mails, postcards, telephone calls, and surprising your parents on television are generally not the best way to go.

Trusting your judgment is so important when coming out to your parents. You know you parents better than almost anyone. Like anything related to coming out, listen to your intuition and play it safe. It is a good idea to educate yourself about how your parents might react to your sexuality and to prepare yourself for any questions they might have.

"When I told my parents, I gave them some information about a support group Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) to give to my parents. They still go to PFLAG now, and are very supportive.”

Louise 18.

"After the first year of feeling like I might be gay, I told my parents. I didn't plan to, I was really upset about this girl and my parents asked me what was wrong and I just told them. I think they were really confused because they weren't previously suspicious because I’m not the stereotypical lesbian and they didn't know any gay people beforehand. They have their ups and downs with it, but they never looked at me any different because of it."

Keren 19. 

Most people experience is a final state of life balance when coming out. Being lesbian, gay or bisexual becomes just another part of who you are. There will always be new people in your life that you will have to come out to, so in a sense the process of coming out never really ends. However, in this final stage coming out becomes less of an issue and more of a part of life.

"I'm still incredibly nervous when holding hands with my partner, or kissing him in plain sight of other people, but I'm getting over that. I see it as normal, and if new people that come into my life that I have to come out to, I don't hesitate to tell them the truth."

Ash 21.

Information taken from Empty Closets with some changes.